Entertaining You On The Shitter Since 2019!

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PlatyPress

breaking news

Yakuza IT Tech Preforms Yubitsume For Botched Software Upgrade!

Top Billing Rank: #1
Publish Date: June 24, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "I'm upgrading my mattress. I want something bedder!"

 

Man is Approaching His Last Fuckable Day!

Top Billing Rank: #2
Publish Date: June 23, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey."

 

Covid-18 Jealous of 19’s Success!

Top Billing Rank: #3
Publish Date: July 01, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "I recently had Flu shot! Why did her parents name her FLU?"

 

Local Man with Constipation Has Never Eaten Taco Bell!

Top Billing Rank: #4
Publish Date: June 22, 2021
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk

Platty Says: "It's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants!"

 

Man Holds Sign 'We Love You Stevie' at a Stevie Wonders Concert!

Top Billing Rank: #5
Publish Date: June 25, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "Stevie Wonder is so good at piano he could do it blindfolded!"

 

Woman Cannot Wait to Be Spatchcocked Tonight!

Top Billing Rank: #6
Publish Date: June 22, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Why would someone spatch a cock?"

 

Wife is Out of Town, Husband Tries to Masturbate Like a Teen Again!

Top Billing Rank: #7
Publish Date: June 24, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!"

 

White Man Asked to Be Less White!

Top Billing Rank: #8
Publish Date: June 23, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "That guy is so white he is almost transparent!"

 

recent news

Food Network Presents: Beat Off Bobby Flay!

Published Date: July 31, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "What do vegans call jerking off? Beating their banana?"

 

Racist Drummer Refuses to Play Black Metal!

Published Date: July 31, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "What did the drummer say right before he was fired? Do you want to play one of my songs?"

 

Hospital Installs Chute to Outdoor Freezer!

Published Date: July 31, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Wow! Our new designer has excellent Photoshop skills!"

 

Prisoner Treats Himself to Personal Conjugal Visit!

Published Date: July 30, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Did you hear the tampon thief escaped? He pulled some strings!"

 

Woman’s Tootsie Pop Requires 364 Licks!

Published Date: July 29, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Does that include the wrapper too?"

 

Redbox Adds Dick Suckers to Boost DVD Rentals!

Published Date: July 29, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "I don't think the hole is big enough for me!"

 

Ginger Woman Sells Her Soul to The Devil!

Published Date: July 28, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Thanos should have thrown his shoe of Vormir as it would be a sole for a soul."

 

Man Needs His Readers to Trim His Pubes!

Published Date: July 28, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Pubic hair that glows in the dark is easier to get out of your teeth!"

 

Man’s Cheesy Meatballs Explode All Over Your Mom’s Grill!

Published Date: July 27, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Where do the poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto!"

 

Friskies Asses Contains Natural Mouse, Bird and Rat Ass Ingredients!

Published Date: July 27, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "That's a lot of ass Ingredients!"

 

Wife Misses Husband’s Hate Fucking Since He Started Therapy!

Published Date: July 26, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "She always knew how to piss him off which eventually got her off."

 

Satire on Social Media Is Dead!

Published Date: July 26, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "I'm glad Google still loves us!"

 

Justin Case: Mystery Files of The Ridiculously Prepared!

Published Date: July 25, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Please do not confuse him with his cousing Justin Time."

 

Private Investigator Is A Real Dick!

Published Date: July 25, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "My friend is a female private investigator. She'd rather be called a gynecologist."

 

Logger Has A Huge Log!

Published Date: July 24, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "He has one mighty piece of wood!"

 

Woman Excited to Put Hot Wood into Her Fireplace!

Published Date: July 24, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Did someone say hard wood?"

 

Taco Bell Offers New Menu Inspired Bathroom Fragrances!

Published Date: July 23, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Love is like Taco Bell. It's good until it turns to shit!"

 

Louie-Bloo Because He Needed the Money!

Published Date: July 23, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "Oral sex using telekinesis is mind blowing!"

 

Moxie, The Official Beverage Of 2020!

Published Date: July 22, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "Do you know what Moose piss tastes like? Yes, just like Moxie!"

 

Dad Misses Yelling at His Kids Like He Did When They Were Younger!

Published Date: July 22, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "What has two butts and kills people? An assassin."

 

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!

Published Date: July 22, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

 

Grandma Has A WAP!

Published Date: July 21, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "She's got a really angry WAP!"

 

Johnny Is Still A Cream Puff!

Published Date: July 21, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "Cream puffs are fucking good unlike Johnny, he is a turnover!"

 

Man Wants to Be Your Next Childcare Provider!

Published Date: July 20, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "What's the difference between a bar and a daycare? It's easier to pick up girls at a daycare."

 

Victor Totally Destroys Cheryl's She Shed!

Published Date: July 20, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Is that Jake from State Farm?"

 

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/68 51
Benjamin Dover 11/22/58 55
Candy Storr 02/26/72 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 2
Chit Ferbrauns 04/22/65 40
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/72 50
Mike Litorus 08/20/64 41
Moe Lester 02/04/55 60
Ms. Ann Formation 06/14/44 18
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 46
Platty 47

All Time News

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says: "They are Wicked Pissa!"

 

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says: "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

 

Man Quarantines Himself with A Case of Coronavirus!

Publish Date: July 16, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says: "I've got a fever and cowbell will not cure it!"

 

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Publish Date: May 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says: "Please Don't!"

 

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says: "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

 
 

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.