PlatyPress

PlatyPress

breaking news

Elizabeth Warren Yells ‘I’ll Cut a Bitch!’ Directly at Bernie Sanders!
Publish Date: January 19, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office? Lost!"

Man Looking to Get Laid at Hooker Furniture!
Publish Date: January 08, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You got to hand it to her!"

White Man Claims Business Name 'Cracker Barrel' is an Ethnic Slur!
Publish Date: January 10, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations!"

Peloton Triple D Attachments Offer Deeper, Harder Ride!
Publish Date: January 13, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "No Thanks! I'll pass!"

Mid Forties Man Okay Being Subject of Taylor Swift’s Next Hit Tune!
Publish Date: January 27, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift. I think I'm finally clean."

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!
Publish Date: February 06, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns Top Billing Rank: #6
Platty Says "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

Heroin Addict Also Tai-Chi Addict!
Publish Date: January 11, 2020 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #7
Platty Says "How does a Heroin addict exercise? Tai Chi!"

Color Blind Man Sees Porn in Color for The First Time!
Publish Date: January 18, 2020 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #8
Platty Says "I found out that I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."

recent news

New Dating App: Just Looking!
Published Date: February 16, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Here's just looking at you, kid!"

Man, Never Sees Wife After Bidet with Feminine Wash Installed!
Published Date: February 15, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Why is this water fountain so low to the ground?"

Food Network Presents: Beat Off Bobby Flay!
Published Date: February 14, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "What do vegans call jerking off? Beating their banana?"

Here is a New App That Manages Your Other Apps That Manage Your Apps!
Published Date: February 13, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "What's the most popular dating app in Alabama? 23andMe!"

Woman Drowns Her 3 Children in Bathtub After Pausing Show 334 Times!
Published Date: February 12, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Drowning, choking, and suffocating are breathtaking experiences!"

Heineken 0.0 Dumped and Filled with Real Beer!
Published Date: February 11, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "What do you say when you don't want Heineken? NeinIcant!"

Gamers Are NOT Athletes!
Published Date: February 10, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Why don't PC gamers get laid? They're micro-soft!"

Woman’s Burger Has Never Been Stuffed!
Published Date: February 09, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "My Girlfriend said she wanted to try “Five Guys” I thought she was talking about Burgers."

Hundreds of Mistresses Mourn Fallen Basketball Star!
Published Date: February 08, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "All those balls going into all of those holes!"

Man’s Cheesy Meatballs Explode All Over Your Mom’s Grill!
Published Date: February 07, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Where do the poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto!"

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!
Published Date: February 06, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

Victoria's Secret? Her Penis!
Published Date: February 05, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up!"

Victor Totally Destroys Cheryl's She Shed!
Published Date: February 04, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Is that Jake from State Farm?"

Idiot Tomato Processing Owner Stuck on Idea From 40 Years Ago!
Published Date: February 03, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "You better Ketchup to the idea!"

White Deviant Sexual Predator Wishes Matt Lauer Was Back on The Today Show!
Published Date: February 03, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Every move you make! Every vow you break! Every smile you fake! Every claim you stake! I'll be watching you!"

Super Bowl 54 Prediction: White Man Slaughters Native Americans Again!
Published Date: February 02, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "What do the Kansas City Chiefs and a possum have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!"

Man Equates Life to Driving A Car With 3 Blown Tires!
Published Date: February 01, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Louis CK helped me change a flat tire. I just had to watch him jack it."

Hot Pockets Have 30% More Cheese! Brings Total To 30% Cheese!
Published Date: January 31, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "30% of the time, it works every time!"

The Archives: It’s Called A Goddamn Pound Sign!
Published Date: January 30, 2020 Author: Charles U. Farley
Platty Says "Screw the British and their pound currency!"

Woman Leaves Pubes on Every Toilet She Uses!
Published Date: January 29, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out."

Burqa Totally Brings Out Woman’s Eyes!
Published Date: January 28, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Burqa Burqa Mohammad Jihad!"

Mid Forties Man Okay Being Subject of Taylor Swift’s Next Hit Tune!
Published Date: January 27, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift. I think I'm finally clean."

Peloton Introduces Triple D Tandem Bike!
Published Date: January 26, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "When it comes to working out, having a friend along for the ride can be beneficial."

Mr. Peanut Confirmed Cannibal. Thousands of Peanut Shells Found in Basement!
Published Date: January 26, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Where do peanut drivers go to get gas? The Shell station!"

Man Holds Sign 'We Love You Stevie' at a Stevie Wonders Concert!
Published Date: January 25, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Stevie Wonder is so good at piano he could do it blindfolded!"

recent news

	Author	Born	Death	Articles
	Amanda Hugenfuk	12/12/62	06/25/19	2
	Anna Phalaxis	06/23/71		21
	Benjamin Dover	11/22/73		25
	Candy Storr	02/26/82	07/25/19	6
	Charles U. Farley	04/18/42	06/18/19	2
	Chit Ferbrauns	04/22/65		8
	Dawn Keybawls	04/26/82		18
	Mike Litorus	08/20/74	10/27/19	15
	Moe Lester	02/04/55		29
	Oopsai Scharted	01/01/00		14
	Platty			24

breaking news

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!
Publish Date: June 19, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!
Publish Date: June 18, 2019 Author: Charles U. Farley Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!
Publish Date: June 20, 2019 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!
Publish Date: June 24, 2019 Author: Amanda Hugenfuk Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!
Publish Date: June 21, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

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About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

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