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PlatyPress

breaking news

Elizabeth Warren Yells ‘I’ll Cut a Bitch!’ Directly at Bernie Sanders!

Publish Date: January 19, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says "What do you call an honest man in the Oval Office? Lost!"

Man Looking to Get Laid at Hooker Furniture!

Publish Date: January 08, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says "Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You got to hand it to her!"

White Man Claims Business Name 'Cracker Barrel' is an Ethnic Slur!

Publish Date: January 10, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says "What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations!"

Peloton Triple D Attachments Offer Deeper, Harder Ride!

Publish Date: January 13, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says "No Thanks! I'll pass!"

Mid Forties Man Okay Being Subject of Taylor Swift’s Next Hit Tune!

Publish Date: January 27, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says "I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift. I think I'm finally clean."

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!

Publish Date: February 06, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Top Billing Rank: #6

Platty Says "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

Heroin Addict Also Tai-Chi Addict!

Publish Date: January 11, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #7

Platty Says "How does a Heroin addict exercise? Tai Chi!"

Color Blind Man Sees Porn in Color for The First Time!

Publish Date: January 18, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #8

Platty Says "I found out that I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."

recent news

New Dating App: Just Looking!

Published Date: February 16, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "Here's just looking at you, kid!"

Man, Never Sees Wife After Bidet with Feminine Wash Installed!

Published Date: February 15, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "Why is this water fountain so low to the ground?"

Food Network Presents: Beat Off Bobby Flay!

Published Date: February 14, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "What do vegans call jerking off? Beating their banana?"

Here is a New App That Manages Your Other Apps That Manage Your Apps!

Published Date: February 13, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "What's the most popular dating app in Alabama? 23andMe!"

Woman Drowns Her 3 Children in Bathtub After Pausing Show 334 Times!

Published Date: February 12, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says "Drowning, choking, and suffocating are breathtaking experiences!"

Heineken 0.0 Dumped and Filled with Real Beer!

Published Date: February 11, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "What do you say when you don't want Heineken? NeinIcant!"

Gamers Are NOT Athletes!

Published Date: February 10, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "Why don't PC gamers get laid? They're micro-soft!"

Woman’s Burger Has Never Been Stuffed!

Published Date: February 09, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "My Girlfriend said she wanted to try “Five Guys” I thought she was talking about Burgers."

Hundreds of Mistresses Mourn Fallen Basketball Star!

Published Date: February 08, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "All those balls going into all of those holes!"

Man’s Cheesy Meatballs Explode All Over Your Mom’s Grill!

Published Date: February 07, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "Where do the poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto!"

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!

Published Date: February 06, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

Victoria's Secret? Her Penis!

Published Date: February 05, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up!"

Victor Totally Destroys Cheryl's She Shed!

Published Date: February 04, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says "Is that Jake from State Farm?"

Idiot Tomato Processing Owner Stuck on Idea From 40 Years Ago!

Published Date: February 03, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "You better Ketchup to the idea!"

White Deviant Sexual Predator Wishes Matt Lauer Was Back on The Today Show!

Published Date: February 03, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "Every move you make! Every vow you break! Every smile you fake! Every claim you stake! I'll be watching you!"

Super Bowl 54 Prediction: White Man Slaughters Native Americans Again!

Published Date: February 02, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "What do the Kansas City Chiefs and a possum have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!"

Man Equates Life to Driving A Car With 3 Blown Tires!

Published Date: February 01, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "Louis CK helped me change a flat tire. I just had to watch him jack it."

Hot Pockets Have 30% More Cheese! Brings Total To 30% Cheese!

Published Date: January 31, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "30% of the time, it works every time!"

The Archives: It’s Called A Goddamn Pound Sign!

Published Date: January 30, 2020
Author: Charles U. Farley

Platty Says "Screw the British and their pound currency!"

Woman Leaves Pubes on Every Toilet She Uses!

Published Date: January 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out."

Burqa Totally Brings Out Woman’s Eyes!

Published Date: January 28, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says "Burqa Burqa Mohammad Jihad!"

Mid Forties Man Okay Being Subject of Taylor Swift’s Next Hit Tune!

Published Date: January 27, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift. I think I'm finally clean."

Peloton Introduces Triple D Tandem Bike!

Published Date: January 26, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "When it comes to working out, having a friend along for the ride can be beneficial."

Mr. Peanut Confirmed Cannibal. Thousands of Peanut Shells Found in Basement!

Published Date: January 26, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "Where do peanut drivers go to get gas? The Shell station!"

Man Holds Sign 'We Love You Stevie' at a Stevie Wonders Concert!

Published Date: January 25, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "Stevie Wonder is so good at piano he could do it blindfolded!"

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/71 21
Benjamin Dover 11/22/73 25
Candy Storr 02/26/82 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 2
Chit Ferbrauns 04/22/65 8
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/82 18
Mike Litorus 08/20/74 10/27/19 15
Moe Lester 02/04/55 29
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 14
Platty 24

breaking news

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!

Publish Date: June 21, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

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About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

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