PlatyPress

PlatyPress

breaking news

Man Suffers from Covid-Penis!
Publish Date: May 08, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "Where are his pants?"

Man Is Ready to Fill in at the Meat Market!
Publish Date: May 05, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "One butcher was spying on another butcher which made an interesting steak out!"

President Plans to Nuke Covid-19 Loaded with Beautiful Powerful Light and Disinfectant!
Publish Date: April 29, 2020 Author: Platty Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "And Unicorns!"

Trump Ships TP, Paper Towel and Tissue Dispensers to Stores!
Publish Date: May 03, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But we're comparing apples to oranges!"

Man is Approaching His Last Fuckable Day!
Publish Date: April 28, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey."

Woman Robbed by Asian Man Wearing Mask!
Publish Date: April 27, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #6
Platty Says "I think he's the one wearing glasses."

Man Makes Impromptu Face Mask from Snotty Handkerchief!
Publish Date: May 04, 2020 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #7
Platty Says "How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put some boogie in it!"

City Distributes Covid-19 Blankets to The Homeless!
Publish Date: April 19, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #8
Platty Says "That's probably not the best solution. Packing the homeless into a van and driving them to another city is!"

recent news

Woman Excited to Put Hot Wood into Her Fireplace!
Published Date: May 28, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Did someone say hard wood?"

Woman Cannot Wait to Be Spatchcocked Tonight!
Published Date: May 27, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Why would someone spatch a cock?"

Man is Fingers Deep into His Girlfriend’s Poutine!
Published Date: May 26, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "That's the only way to eat your girlfriends poutine!"

Woman Bakes Bread Using Vaginal Yeast!
Published Date: May 25, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Did you know yeast cells are incestuous? They're in-bread!"

Rectal Thermometer Leaves Shitty Taste in Man’s Mouth!
Published Date: May 24, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "With a name like puckers, you know it has to be good!"

Doctors Confirm Covid-19 Not Transferable Ass to Mouth!
Published Date: May 23, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Sometimes, it is okay!"

Man, With Concussion Smacked Awake by Paramedics!
Published Date: May 22, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Concussions aren't real! It's all in your head!"

Nascar Driver Dreams of Turning Right!
Published Date: May 21, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "I may be left handed, but I am always right!"

Baby Book Abandoned Within 4 Weeks!
Published Date: May 20, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Look who's back!"

Denny’s Mobile Relief Truck Overtaken by Drunk College Students!
Published Date: May 19, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Mobile relief? Must be for really fat people that can't make it to Denny's."

Hero Reminds Survivor That They’ll Still Die Someday!
Published Date: May 18, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "You're going to die, just not today!"

Yakuza IT Tech Preforms Yubitsume For Botched Software Upgrade!
Published Date: May 17, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "I'm upgrading my mattress. I want something bedder!"

2020 Senior Skip Day is Actually Going to School!
Published Date: May 16, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "My high school was small. We had sex education and drivers ed in the same car!"

Food Network Renamed to The Guy Fieri Network!
Published Date: May 16, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "Here's some Mac-Daddi-Roni Salad!"

Heroin Addict Also Tai-Chi Addict!
Published Date: May 14, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "How does a Heroin addict exercise? Tai Chi!"

Woman Sickened by Fly in Her Drink. Her Parasitic Worms Reciprocate Feeling!
Published Date: May 13, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "What do you call a Fly without wings? A walk!"

Boys II Men? No! Men II Geriatric Men? Yes!
Published Date: May 12, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Tomorrow's high is 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands."

Man Makes Mask from Wife’s Used Panties!
Published Date: May 11, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Take deep inhales and smell the goodness!"

Freezer Has History with Dead Bodies!
Published Date: May 10, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Do you have ice cream? No, but I do have Ben and Jerry!"

Cuomo Brothers Share Fart During Interview!
Published Date: May 09, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "Fart telepathy runs strong with this family!"

Man Suffers from Covid-Penis!
Published Date: May 08, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Where are his pants?"

President Said It’s Not A Sub Penis!
Published Date: May 07, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "It's pronounced Subpoena!"

Wintersun Quietly Releases Time II!
Published Date: May 06, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Sequels always suck! Even this time around."

Man Is Ready to Fill in at the Meat Market!
Published Date: May 05, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "One butcher was spying on another butcher which made an interesting steak out!"

Man Makes Impromptu Face Mask from Snotty Handkerchief!
Published Date: May 04, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put some boogie in it!"

recent news

	Author	Born	Death	Articles
	Amanda Hugenfuk	12/12/62	06/25/19	2
	Anna Phalaxis	06/23/71		31
	Benjamin Dover	11/22/73		33
	Candy Storr	02/26/82	07/25/19	6
	Charles U. Farley	04/18/42	06/18/19	2
	Chit Ferbrauns	04/22/65		19
	Dawn Keybawls	04/26/82		27
	Mike Litorus	08/20/74		16
	Moe Lester	02/04/55		39
	Oopsai Scharted	01/01/00		24
	Platty			27

breaking news

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!
Publish Date: June 18, 2019 Author: Charles U. Farley Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!
Publish Date: June 19, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!
Publish Date: June 20, 2019 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!
Publish Date: June 24, 2019 Author: Amanda Hugenfuk Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!
Publish Date: June 21, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

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About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

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