breaking news

First Covid Zombie Seen Busting Through Grave!
Publish Date: June 28, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "I saw a zombie washing dishes. He was using Dawn of the dead!"

Private Investigator Is A Real Dick!
Publish Date: June 27, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "My friend is a female private investigator. She'd rather be called a gynecologist."

Man Quarantines Himself with A Case of Coronavirus!
Publish Date: June 25, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "I've got a fever and cowbell will not cure it!"

Trump Grants His Supporters Immunity from Covid-19!
Publish Date: June 30, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "I really thing he is enjoying the smell of his own farts!"

Moxie, The Official Beverage Of 2020!
Publish Date: July 16, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "Do you know what Moose piss tastes like? Yes, just like Moxie!"

Man Sleeps Like A Baby. Shits Himself 3 Times Every Night!
Publish Date: June 26, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns Top Billing Rank: #6
Platty Says "Poop is a crappy palindrome!"

Perineum Sunning Cures Covid-19!
Publish Date: July 08, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #7
Platty Says "Man dad always called it a taint! It taint yo balls and it taint yo ass!"

Man’s Balls Immediately Hurt When Talking About Vasectomy!
Publish Date: July 15, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #8
Platty Says "I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. I got home and they were still there."

recent news

Woman, Wants You to See Her Candy Pouch!
Published Date: August 03, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "I don't need to see her Kit Kat!"

Biden’s Pole Is Larger Than Trumps in 2020 Erections!
Published Date: August 02, 2020 Author: Ms. Ann Formation
Platty Says "The president loves to sit on top of the pole!"

Sports Analysts Agree: Don't Come on Lebron Too Soon!
Published Date: August 01, 2020 Author: Candy Storr
Platty Says "I didn’t wanna be late for the game, so I came early!"

Racist Drummer Refuses to Play Black Metal!
Published Date: July 31, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "What did the drummer say right before he was fired? Do you want to play one of my songs?"

Trump: Delay Election! Americans: Have Election ASAP!
Published Date: July 30, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Donald John Trump WAS the 45th president of the United States."

Neighborhood Glory Hole Now Open!
Published Date: July 29, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Glory hole wages only pay in tips."

Color Blind Man Sees Porn in Color for The First Time!
Published Date: July 28, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "I found out that I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."

Wall of Moms Use to Being Sprayed with Liquids!
Published Date: July 27, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "You think Pepper spray has an effect after years of dealing with piss, puke and shit?"

Man’s Hairline Looking Like A Patch of Pubes!
Published Date: July 26, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "I sometimes rub sand into my pubes to make the crabs feel at home."

Pepto Bismol Diarrhea Liquid Enema Released!
Published Date: July 25, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Cherry flavor for your asshole!"

We All Know A Douchebag Named Mike!
Published Date: July 25, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "If you were an appliance, what kind would you be? Mike-rowave!"

Maker of KIND Create New HATE Bars!
Published Date: July 24, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

Man Believes Instagram is a Cocaine Delivery Service!
Published Date: July 23, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "I snorted enough cocaine last night to send Pablo Escobar's grandchildren to Harvard."

Guy Fieri’s Sperm Rocks Bleach Blonde Tails!
Published Date: July 22, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time? He had loads to do."

Falconer Postpones Disbanding to Pursue Metal Theatre!
Published Date: July 21, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "A man broke into the theatre during a performance and stole the spotlight!"

Man Looking to Get Laid at Hooker Furniture!
Published Date: July 20, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You got to hand it to her!"

Stroke Sufferer Encouraged to Keep A Stiff Upper Lip!
Published Date: July 19, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Know the warning signs and symptoms!"

Peacock Now Streaming with Extra Cock!
Published Date: July 18, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "I have a peacock right above my peanuts."

Gay Porn Star Asked About His Big Opening!
Published Date: July 17, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "My new girl friend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out!"

Moxie, The Official Beverage Of 2020!
Published Date: July 16, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Do you know what Moose piss tastes like? Yes, just like Moxie!"

Man’s Balls Immediately Hurt When Talking About Vasectomy!
Published Date: July 15, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. I got home and they were still there."

Golfer Feels Sexy Holding His Follow Through!
Published Date: July 14, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "Golf is a five-mile walk punctuated with many disappointments."

Man’s Cheesy Meatballs Explode All Over Your Mom’s Grill!
Published Date: July 14, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Where do the poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto!"

Husband Loves to Eat His Wife’s Juicy Taco!
Published Date: July 13, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "I got gas for $1.34 but it was from Taco Bell!"

Knee Injury Derails Couple’s Doggy Style!
Published Date: July 12, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "30 minutes of doggy style is the equivalent to 3 dog minutes."

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.