Entertaining You On The Shitter Since 2019!

PlatyPress
PlatyPress

breaking news

Man Suffers from Covid-Penis!

Publish Date: May 08, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says "Where are his pants?"

Man Is Ready to Fill in at the Meat Market!

Publish Date: May 05, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says "One butcher was spying on another butcher which made an interesting steak out!"

President Plans to Nuke Covid-19 Loaded with Beautiful Powerful Light and Disinfectant!

Publish Date: April 29, 2020
Author: Platty
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says "And Unicorns!"

Trump Ships TP, Paper Towel and Tissue Dispensers to Stores!

Publish Date: May 03, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says "Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But we're comparing apples to oranges!"

Man is Approaching His Last Fuckable Day!

Publish Date: April 28, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says "You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey."

Woman Robbed by Asian Man Wearing Mask!

Publish Date: April 27, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #6

Platty Says "I think he's the one wearing glasses."

Man Makes Impromptu Face Mask from Snotty Handkerchief!

Publish Date: May 04, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #7

Platty Says "How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put some boogie in it!"

City Distributes Covid-19 Blankets to The Homeless!

Publish Date: April 19, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis
Top Billing Rank: #8

Platty Says "That's probably not the best solution. Packing the homeless into a van and driving them to another city is!"

recent news

Woman Excited to Put Hot Wood into Her Fireplace!

Published Date: May 28, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Did someone say hard wood?"

Woman Cannot Wait to Be Spatchcocked Tonight!

Published Date: May 27, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Why would someone spatch a cock?"

Man is Fingers Deep into His Girlfriend’s Poutine!

Published Date: May 26, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "That's the only way to eat your girlfriends poutine!"

Woman Bakes Bread Using Vaginal Yeast!

Published Date: May 25, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Did you know yeast cells are incestuous? They're in-bread!"

Rectal Thermometer Leaves Shitty Taste in Man’s Mouth!

Published Date: May 24, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "With a name like puckers, you know it has to be good!"

Doctors Confirm Covid-19 Not Transferable Ass to Mouth!

Published Date: May 23, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "Sometimes, it is okay!"

Man, With Concussion Smacked Awake by Paramedics!

Published Date: May 22, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "Concussions aren't real! It's all in your head!"

Nascar Driver Dreams of Turning Right!

Published Date: May 21, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "I may be left handed, but I am always right!"

Baby Book Abandoned Within 4 Weeks!

Published Date: May 20, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says "Look who's back!"

Denny’s Mobile Relief Truck Overtaken by Drunk College Students!

Published Date: May 19, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Mobile relief? Must be for really fat people that can't make it to Denny's."

Hero Reminds Survivor That They’ll Still Die Someday!

Published Date: May 18, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "You're going to die, just not today!"

Yakuza IT Tech Preforms Yubitsume For Botched Software Upgrade!

Published Date: May 17, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "I'm upgrading my mattress. I want something bedder!"

2020 Senior Skip Day is Actually Going to School!

Published Date: May 16, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "My high school was small. We had sex education and drivers ed in the same car!"

Food Network Renamed to The Guy Fieri Network!

Published Date: May 16, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "Here's some Mac-Daddi-Roni Salad!"

Heroin Addict Also Tai-Chi Addict!

Published Date: May 14, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "How does a Heroin addict exercise? Tai Chi!"

Woman Sickened by Fly in Her Drink. Her Parasitic Worms Reciprocate Feeling!

Published Date: May 13, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "What do you call a Fly without wings? A walk!"

Boys II Men? No! Men II Geriatric Men? Yes!

Published Date: May 12, 2020
Author: Platty

Platty Says "Tomorrow's high is 98 Degrees. I hate boy bands."

Man Makes Mask from Wife’s Used Panties!

Published Date: May 11, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "Take deep inhales and smell the goodness!"

Freezer Has History with Dead Bodies!

Published Date: May 10, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says "Do you have ice cream? No, but I do have Ben and Jerry!"

Cuomo Brothers Share Fart During Interview!

Published Date: May 09, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says "Fart telepathy runs strong with this family!"

Man Suffers from Covid-Penis!

Published Date: May 08, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says "Where are his pants?"

President Said It’s Not A Sub Penis!

Published Date: May 07, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "It's pronounced Subpoena!"

Wintersun Quietly Releases Time II!

Published Date: May 06, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says "Sequels always suck! Even this time around."

Man Is Ready to Fill in at the Meat Market!

Published Date: May 05, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says "One butcher was spying on another butcher which made an interesting steak out!"

Man Makes Impromptu Face Mask from Snotty Handkerchief!

Published Date: May 04, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says "How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put some boogie in it!"

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/71 31
Benjamin Dover 11/22/73 33
Candy Storr 02/26/82 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 2
Chit Ferbrauns 04/22/65 19
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/82 27
Mike Litorus 08/20/74 16
Moe Lester 02/04/55 39
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 24
Platty 27

breaking news

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!

Publish Date: June 21, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

First Name:

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

Last Name:
Email:
Message: