PlatyPress

PlatyPress

breaking news

Taco Bell Offers New Menu Inspired Bathroom Fragrances!

Top Billing Rank: #1
Publish Date: March 10, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Love is like Taco Bell. It's good until it turns to shit!"

Butt Chin is Just A Cock Holder!

Top Billing Rank: #2
Publish Date: March 12, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "A butt chin should be called a cock holder!"

Bill Belichick Cannot Contain Himself After Latest Offseason!

Top Billing Rank: #3
Publish Date: March 11, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Tom Brady won in Tampa and Bill is super excited!"

Biden Deploys Southern Detainees to Home Depot!

Top Billing Rank: #4
Publish Date: March 17, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Old white men can finally get help with their projects again!"

Dad Misses Yelling at His Kids Like He Did When They Were Younger!

Top Billing Rank: #5
Publish Date: March 13, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "What has two butts and kills people? An assassin."

Prostitutes Offer $3.14 Pie for Pi Day!

Top Billing Rank: #6
Publish Date: March 14, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "That's better than their $5 box special!"

Man Does Everything He Can to Get Out of Doing Anything!

Top Billing Rank: #7
Publish Date: March 15, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "What exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats!"

Woman Hasn’t Gotten Off Since Fred!

Top Billing Rank: #8
Publish Date: March 16, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "He's a fingering machine!"

recent news

Sassy Woman Raising Hell in Heaven!

Published Date: April 17, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "R.I.P. Grammie!"

TLC Creating Scary Terminator Fembot Dodgeball Players!

Published Date: April 16, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Larissa is now the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball."

New Compatible PS5 / XBOX Controller Leaked!

Published Date: April 15, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "You'll be rocking high scores in no time with this controller."

Man’s Penis Declared A Weapon of Mass Destruction!

Published Date: April 14, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "You were thinking it might be someone else?"

Police Consider Killing More Innocent White People!

Published Date: April 13, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "I don't understand why The Police are getting so much shit. They are a great band!"

Satire on Social Media Is Dead!

Published Date: April 12, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "I'm glad Google still loves us!"

Mid Forties Man Okay Being Subject of Taylor Swift’s Next Hit Tune!

Published Date: April 11, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "I used to be addicted to quoting Taylor Swift. I think I'm finally clean."

Wife Wishes Husband Was Equipped Like Maestro Pimento Fermata!

Published Date: April 10, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "How many penises does this dude have?"

Husband Uses Flex Paste on His Wife’s Massive Crack!

Published Date: April 09, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "That should seal her moist wet massive crack!"

No One Gives A Fuck About Mountain Time!

Published Date: April 08, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "I went hiking in the mountains and fell. It was all downhill from there."

Ginger Woman Sells Her Soul to The Devil!

Published Date: April 07, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Thanos should have thrown his shoe of Vormir as it would be a sole for a soul."

HS Students Cool with Distancing; Can Hit Spitball Target 12 Yards Away!

Published Date: April 06, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "I'm just spitballing here but that's pretty nasty!"

Cold Weather to Blame for Y Chromosome Shrinkage!

Published Date: April 05, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "It was cold out and I was in the pool!"

Man’s Hairline Looking Like A Patch of Pubes!

Published Date: April 04, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "I sometimes rub sand into my pubes to make the crabs feel at home."

Matt Gaetz Has the Perfect Punchable Face!

Published Date: April 03, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "His face was voted “Best Punchable Face!” in High School!"

Ghost Dick Haunts Huntington Beach Marriott!

Published Date: April 02, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "The Ghost Dick Coming Soon!"

Chipotle Rebrands as Shitpotle!

Published Date: April 01, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "Diarrhea: A quick and efficient weight loss option."

Man Has Fond Memories Pounding Out A Few With His Pound Puppy!

Published Date: March 31, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "The Pound Puppy helped pound your puppy?"

Louie-Bloo Because He Needed the Money!

Published Date: March 30, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "Oral sex using telekinesis is mind blowing!"

Man Refuses Vaccine Due to Virus Discrimination!

Published Date: March 29, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Autoerotic asphyxiation? That sounds like fun!"

Only Erin Burnett’s Husband is Allowed Outback!

Published Date: March 28, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "The ultimate OutBack Steakhouse!"

Man Prepares Pre-Fuck Checklist!

Published Date: March 27, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "A jackhammer?"

Woman’s Double Penetration Sex Toy for Sale!

Published Date: March 26, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "This is something you and a friend can enjoy too!"

Planned Parenthood Recommends Using Rear Entry!

Published Date: March 25, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Parenthood, the worst STD of all time!"

Earth Has Violent Diarrhea!

Published Date: March 24, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "That's one violent assplosion!"

recent news

	Author	Born	Death	Articles
	Amanda Hugenfuk	12/12/62	06/25/19	2
	Anna Phalaxis	06/23/68		51
	Benjamin Dover	11/22/58		55
	Candy Storr	02/26/72	07/25/19	6
	Charles U. Farley	04/18/42	06/18/19	2
	Chit Ferbrauns	04/22/65		39
	Dawn Keybawls	04/26/72		49
	Mike Litorus	08/20/64		40
	Moe Lester	02/04/55		60
	Ms. Ann Formation	06/14/44		18
	Oopsai Scharted	01/01/00		45
	Platty			45

All Time News

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says: "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says: "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Publish Date: May 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says: "Please Don't!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says: "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says: "It might be good on nachos!"

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.