Just put it on my bill.

December 11, 2019

PlatyPress
PlatyPress

breaking news

Wife is Out of Town, Husband Tries to Masturbate Like a Teen Again!

Publish Date: November 10, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #1
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!"

Man Worries His Murder Won't Be Covered by Local News!

Publish Date: November 16, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #2
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be a normal topic for my age."

Teenager Dreams of Becoming Xylophonist in Metal Band!

Publish Date: November 02, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #3
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "I might not know how to fix an xylophone. I can tinker around with it."

White Man Finally Installs Button Under Desk That Locks His Office Door!

Publish Date: November 04, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #4
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "Anyone who believes the way to a man's heart is through his penis flunked geography."

PlattyPress.com 100th Article!

Publish Date: November 11, 2019
Author: Platty
Top Billing Rank: #5
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "The wonrg journalists died!"

Man Hopes Everyone Sees His Bladder Control Underwear!

Publish Date: November 03, 2019
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Top Billing Rank: #6
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm."

Piss Jugs Remembered at Roadside Memorial!

Publish Date: November 13, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #7
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Urine trouble when you have a bladder infection!"

White Man Has Happy Feelings Because He Might Help The Homeless!

Publish Date: November 11, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #8
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes!"

recent news

Kinky American Diplomat Looking for Next Prisoner Swap!

Published Date: December 08, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "He must be whispering to him that he is horny."

Man’s Best Is Shown When Shot Gunning A Beer!

Published Date: December 08, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "What is the difference between beer and piss? About 30 minutes!"

Woman Cannot Wait to Be Spatchcocked Tonight!

Published Date: December 07, 2019
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Why would someone spatch a cock?"

Nascar Driver Dreams of Turning Right!

Published Date: December 07, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I may be left handed, but I am always right!"

Dad Misses Yelling at His Kids Like He Did When They Were Younger!

Published Date: December 05, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "What has two butts and kills people? An assassin."

PlattyPress Week In Review Video #12

Published Date: December 03, 2019
Author: Platty
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "It's still been one hell of a ride but my balls are turning black and blue and about to fall off!"

Woman Excited to Put Hot Wood into Her Fireplace!

Published Date: December 02, 2019
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Did someone say hard wood?"

Mrs. Claus Gifted Pearl Necklace for Christmas!

Published Date: December 01, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Pearls are a classic and will never go out of style and will always be cherished"

President Said It’s Not A Sub Penis!

Published Date: November 30, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "It's pronounced Subpoena!"

Sewage Treatment Plant Preparing for The Days Following Thanksgiving!

Published Date: November 28, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever."

811? Local Man Is No Pussy and Digs Anyways!

Published Date: November 28, 2019
Author: Anna Phalaxis
Audio Article: Yes

Platty Says "Life's a garden. Dig It!"

Woman, Wants You to See Her Candy Pouch!

Published Date: November 25, 2019
Author: Mike Litorus
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I don't need to see her Kit Kat!"

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Published Date: November 24, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Please Don't!"

Man Robs Peter to Pay Paul Because Peter Is an Asshole!

Published Date: November 23, 2019
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I have met Peter as well and he is an asshole."

Student Gets His Ass Kicked on Buddy Bench!

Published Date: November 20, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Each ballon is a buddy bench victim."

PlattyPress Week In Review Video #11

Published Date: November 18, 2019
Author: Platty
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "It's still been one hell of a ride but my balls are turning black and blue and about to fall off!"

Man is Approaching His Last Fuckable Day!

Published Date: November 17, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "You know you're getting old when clerks start calling you honey."

Homeless Man Takes Bath in Flooding Waters!

Published Date: November 17, 2019
Author: Anna Phalaxis
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy, but his sign said 'ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU.' So I held onto it, just in case he was right."

Man Worries His Murder Won't Be Covered by Local News!

Published Date: November 16, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be a normal topic for my age."

Burger King Introduces New BK Turkey Fries!

Published Date: November 15, 2019
Author: Dawn Keybawls
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Go ahead. Google Turkey Fries."

Each Time a Shooting Occurs, The Gun Industry Wins!

Published Date: November 15, 2019
Author: Platty
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Every day, 100 Americans are killed with guns!"

Piss Jugs Remembered at Roadside Memorial!

Published Date: November 13, 2019
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Urine trouble when you have a bladder infection!"

PlattyPress.com 100th Article!

Published Date: November 11, 2019
Author: Platty
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "The wonrg journalists died!"

White Man Has Happy Feelings Because He Might Help The Homeless!

Published Date: November 11, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure that you are not just surrounded by assholes!"

Wife is Out of Town, Husband Tries to Masturbate Like a Teen Again!

Published Date: November 10, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!"

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/71 15
Benjamin Dover 11/22/73 20
Candy Storr 02/26/82 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 1
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/82 9
Mike Litorus 08/20/74 10/27/19 15
Moe Lester 02/04/55 22
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 6
Platty 23

breaking news

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #1
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #2
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!

Publish Date: June 21, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #5
Audio Article: No

Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

First Name:

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

Last Name:
Email:
Message:
   
View My Full Load