breaking news

Moxie, The Official Beverage Of 2020!
Publish Date: July 16, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "Do you know what Moose piss tastes like? Yes, just like Moxie!"

White American Cheese Is Better Than Orange!
Publish Date: July 03, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "I do have a joke about cheese but it's not aging well."

Perineum Sunning Cures Covid-19!
Publish Date: July 08, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "Man dad always called it a taint! It taint yo balls and it taint yo ass!"

Man’s Balls Immediately Hurt When Talking About Vasectomy!
Publish Date: July 15, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. I got home and they were still there."

Woman Leaves Pubes on Every Toilet She Uses!
Publish Date: July 06, 2020 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Spit it out."

Covid-19 Spreading Quicker Than Your Mom’s Legs!
Publish Date: July 07, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus Top Billing Rank: #6
Platty Says "Your mom even spreads for the bread!"

Golfer Feels Sexy Holding His Follow Through!
Publish Date: July 14, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns Top Billing Rank: #7
Platty Says "Golf is a five-mile walk punctuated with many disappointments."

Man, Tired of Skanks but Can’t Afford A 7!
Publish Date: July 05, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns Top Billing Rank: #8
Platty Says "Sugar daddy? More like Splenda daddy!"

recent news

Ebony and Ivory Fighting Together for America’s Democracy!
Published Date: August 11, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony!"

Planned Parenthood Recommends Using Rear Entry!
Published Date: August 10, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Parenthood, the worst STD of all time!"

Winter Is Coming!
Published Date: August 09, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "Humpty Dumpty loves winter because he had a great fall!"

Man, Premature Ejaculates into Wipes That Claim to Stop Premature Ejaculation!
Published Date: August 08, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Almost every man carries a loaded weapon!"

Woman Has A Giant Hole!
Published Date: August 07, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "What's worse? A hole in your condom, or a condom in your hole?"

Old White Man Wants America to be Great Again!
Published Date: August 06, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America."

Woman’s Double Penetration Sex Toy for Sale!
Published Date: August 05, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "This is something you and a friend can enjoy too!"

Woman Wants Two Dict’s in Her Eggs Benedict!
Published Date: August 04, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "Two is better than one!"

Woman, Wants You to See Her Candy Pouch!
Published Date: August 03, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "I don't need to see her Kit Kat!"

Biden’s Pole Is Larger Than Trumps in 2020 Erections!
Published Date: August 02, 2020 Author: Ms. Ann Formation
Platty Says "The president loves to sit on top of the pole!"

Sports Analysts Agree: Don't Come on Lebron Too Soon!
Published Date: August 01, 2020 Author: Candy Storr
Platty Says "I didn’t wanna be late for the game, so I came early!"

Racist Drummer Refuses to Play Black Metal!
Published Date: July 31, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "What did the drummer say right before he was fired? Do you want to play one of my songs?"

Trump: Delay Election! Americans: Have Election ASAP!
Published Date: July 30, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Donald John Trump WAS the 45th president of the United States."

Neighborhood Glory Hole Now Open!
Published Date: July 29, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Glory hole wages only pay in tips."

Color Blind Man Sees Porn in Color for The First Time!
Published Date: July 28, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "I found out that I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple."

Wall of Moms Use to Being Sprayed with Liquids!
Published Date: July 27, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "You think Pepper spray has an effect after years of dealing with piss, puke and shit?"

Man’s Hairline Looking Like A Patch of Pubes!
Published Date: July 26, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "I sometimes rub sand into my pubes to make the crabs feel at home."

Pepto Bismol Diarrhea Liquid Enema Released!
Published Date: July 25, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Cherry flavor for your asshole!"

We All Know A Douchebag Named Mike!
Published Date: July 25, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "If you were an appliance, what kind would you be? Mike-rowave!"

Maker of KIND Create New HATE Bars!
Published Date: July 24, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

Man Believes Instagram is a Cocaine Delivery Service!
Published Date: July 23, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "I snorted enough cocaine last night to send Pablo Escobar's grandchildren to Harvard."

Guy Fieri’s Sperm Rocks Bleach Blonde Tails!
Published Date: July 22, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Why didn't the sperm donor have any free time? He had loads to do."

Falconer Postpones Disbanding to Pursue Metal Theatre!
Published Date: July 21, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "A man broke into the theatre during a performance and stole the spotlight!"

Man Looking to Get Laid at Hooker Furniture!
Published Date: July 20, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You got to hand it to her!"

Stroke Sufferer Encouraged to Keep A Stiff Upper Lip!
Published Date: July 19, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Know the warning signs and symptoms!"

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.