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PlatyPress

breaking news

Santa Came in Record Number of Chimneys and Back Doors!

Top Billing Rank: #1
Publish Date: December 24, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "You came, you ate, now please just go HO HO HOme."

 

Covid-19 Spreading Quicker Than Your Mom’s Legs!

Top Billing Rank: #2
Publish Date: December 11, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Your mom even spreads for the bread!"

 

Friskies Asses Contains Natural Mouse, Bird and Rat Ass Ingredients!

Top Billing Rank: #3
Publish Date: December 16, 2020
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "That's a lot of ass Ingredients!"

 

Man’s Vaginitis Flaring Up Again!

Top Billing Rank: #4
Publish Date: December 13, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "He was told he had acute Vaginitis. He said 'Oh thank you!'"

 

Sports Analyst: Let’s See That Gruesome Injury in Super Slow Motion!

Top Billing Rank: #5
Publish Date: December 20, 2020
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "It's time for station identification!"

 

Man’s Crevice Grows Bigger Thanks to Ocrevus!

Top Billing Rank: #6
Publish Date: December 15, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "That man's crevice is huge!"

 

Lori Loughlin’s Taste for Scandals Started In 1986!

Top Billing Rank: #7
Publish Date: December 26, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "It all started with a high school homework cheating scandal!"

 

Husband Insists Being Called Motherfucker!

Top Billing Rank: #8
Publish Date: December 12, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "He is not Samuel L. Jackson!"

 

recent news

Woman’s Tootsie Pop Requires 364 Licks!

Published Date: January 19, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Does that include the wrapper too?"

 

Angry Rednecks Everywhere Need to Get Laid!

Published Date: January 18, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "And I don't mean your cousin or sister!"

 

Woman Cannot Remember Why She Takes Prevagen!

Published Date: January 17, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "PrevaWho?"

 

Golfer Had Best Round of Life Until He Lost It On 17!

Published Date: January 16, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "He was 6 under. Now he's 6 feet under!"

 

Man Plays Skin Flute During Brain Surgery!

Published Date: January 15, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "What's the difference between a flute and a prostitute? Nothing, they both get fingered and are never cheap."

 

Senior Class of 2021 Votes Vagisil Favorite Lip Balm!

Published Date: January 14, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "That was the favorite lip balm when I was a senior too!"

 

PlattyPress.com 2.1.4562.3.4.357 Upgrade Released!

Published Date: January 13, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "What the hell is wrong with the software versioning?"

 

Wife Returns New Glasses After Finally Seeing Her Husband!

Published Date: January 12, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "People say I look better without glasses. I just can't see it!"

 

Man’s Ass Completely Wiped!

Published Date: January 11, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "The TP tried to cross the road but got stuck in a crack!"

 

Tide Releases Meat-Based Laundry Detergent!

Published Date: January 10, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "I would love to add a nice meaty fatty shine to my coat!"

 

Sometimes It Just Takes A Good Whacking!

Published Date: January 09, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Whacking With Dawn Keybawls!"

 

Man Thought Flash Bang Was Something Else!

Published Date: January 08, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "A flash bang meaning an instant orgy?"

 

Hero Reminds Survivor That They’ll Still Die Someday!

Published Date: January 07, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "You're going to die, just not today!"

 

President Trump says Mayhem is Coming to Town!

Published Date: January 06, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Sweet! I haven't seen Mayhem in ages!"

 

Wife Is Awaiting In and Out; Husband Has Been Waiting Months!

Published Date: January 05, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "She could take on a 3x3 easily...The husband could take in a 4x4!"

 

Here is a New App That Manages Your Other Apps That Manage Your Apps!

Published Date: January 04, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "What's the most popular dating app in Alabama? 23andMe!"

 

Woman Is A Bloody Cunt!

Published Date: January 03, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak!"

 

Johnny Is Still A Cream Puff!

Published Date: January 02, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "Cream puffs are fucking good unlike Johnny, he is a turnover!"

 

Grandma Has A WAP!

Published Date: January 01, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "She's got a really angry WAP!"

 

2020 Is Over! Gets to Hold 2021’s Beer!

Published Date: December 31, 2020
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "Does anything ever end well when someone says 'Hold My Beer'!"

 

Restaurants Start Taking Customers Temperatures Rectally!

Published Date: December 30, 2020
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Bend over Bitches!"

 

Redbox Adds Dick Suckers to Boost DVD Rentals!

Published Date: December 29, 2020
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "I don't think the hole is big enough for me!"

 

Hula Hooping Gives Woman the Queefs!

Published Date: December 28, 2020
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Relax! It's just a queef!"

 

Fantasy Sports Gamer Lands on DL, Will Miss Season!

Published Date: December 27, 2020
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "His fantasy team will suffer!"

 

Lori Loughlin’s Taste for Scandals Started In 1986!

Published Date: December 26, 2020
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "It all started with a high school homework cheating scandal!"

 

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/68 47
Benjamin Dover 11/22/58 49
Candy Storr 02/26/72 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 2
Chit Ferbrauns 04/22/65 33
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/72 43
Mike Litorus 08/20/64 34
Moe Lester 02/04/55 54
Ms. Ann Formation 06/14/44 12
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 39
Platty 41

All Time News

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says: "They are Wicked Pissa!"

 

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says: "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

 

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Publish Date: May 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says: "Please Don't!"

 

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says: "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

 

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says: "It might be good on nachos!"

 
 

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.