PlatyPress

PlatyPress

breaking news

Platty Wants to Bust His Venom Inside of You!
Publish Date: March 24, 2020 Author: Platty Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "That's Right!"

White Man with Tan Accused of Brownface!
Publish Date: February 21, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "Jersey's new sperm bank: Get a load of this guy!"

Kids Drive Uncredited Bus Driver to Drink!
Publish Date: February 27, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man? Hop on!"

Photos Show Aquaman Participating in a Threesome!
Publish Date: March 01, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "About time something exciting happened with Aquaman!"

Man Plays Skin Flute During Brain Surgery!
Publish Date: February 23, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "What's the difference between a flute and a prostitute? Nothing, they both get fingered and are never cheap."

Asshole Went To Kay Instead of Jared!
Publish Date: February 24, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #6
Platty Says "I lost my mood ring and I don't know how I feel about that."

Man is Very Trusting of His Farts!
Publish Date: February 25, 2020 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #7
Platty Says "Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early."

Cruise Ship Photographed Tossing Coronavirus People Overboard!
Publish Date: March 11, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted Top Billing Rank: #8
Platty Says "Eh! The virus won't last long as it was made in China!"

recent news

CDC Recommends Washing Hands Over Open Flames!
Published Date: March 31, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "Don't forget to use hand sanitizer while washing over the open flames!"

Orgy Fest 2020 Still on Amid Covid-19. Theme: Fuck It!
Published Date: March 30, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "If you throw a bad orgy, people won't want to come."

Platty's A Daddy!
Published Date: March 29, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Who out there is ready for my next baby? Send an email and we'll chat!"

White Man Tired of Being Pulled Over by Police!
Published Date: March 28, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "White men get pulled over?"

Maker of KIND Create New HATE Bars!
Published Date: March 27, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

Man, Unaware Third Woman Knocking at His Door Was A Kidnap Victim!
Published Date: March 26, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "I don’t like to use the word kidnapping. I just call it a surprise adoption."

Man, Excited to Show Off His Mom Jeans!
Published Date: March 25, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "I remember when my mom used to wear those in the '90s."

Platty Wants to Bust His Venom Inside of You!
Published Date: March 24, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "That's Right!"

Nails, Eyebrows and Bushes Are Getting Out of Control!
Published Date: March 23, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "Why did the orange go to the beauty salon? Because it needed a peeling."

Hot Chick Now Has to Pay for Alcohol Due to Bars Closing!
Published Date: March 22, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "My town’s population never changes. Every time a hot girl gets pregnant, the guy leaves town!"

IT Tech Working at Home Still Required to Wear Company Swag!
Published Date: March 21, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

Woman Has to Shit Every Time She Gets Mad!
Published Date: March 20, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "People who tell you that they are constipated are full of crap!"

Man, With Bad Teeth Can Finally Smile!
Published Date: March 19, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "I lost my sleeping mask. I won't rest until I find it!"

Practice Safe Social Distancing with The New 6 Foot Penis Extension!
Published Date: March 18, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "For his and her pleasure!"

Parents Name Children After Natural Disasters!
Published Date: March 17, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "What's next? GoT names? STD names? Geez!"

President Believes a Whistleblower is a Felatious Woman!
Published Date: March 16, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Smegma: A sebaceous secretion in the folds of the skin, especially under a man's foreskin."

PlattyPress Week In Review Video #1
Published Date: March 15, 2020 Author: Platty
Platty Says "Its been one hell of a ride so far!"

CDC Warns Limit of 5 People in Orgy Due to Coronavirus!
Published Date: March 14, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "A family affair is an orgy where everyone is related!"

Virgin Trees Not Willing to Give It Up to Become Toilet Paper for Your Ass!
Published Date: March 13, 2020 Author: Mike Litorus
Platty Says "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack!"

Man Is on His 8th Attempt to Pick Up Piece of Paper Off the Floor!
Published Date: March 12, 2020 Author: Moe Lester
Platty Says "At least he has the ability to pick up a piece of paper!"

Cruise Ship Photographed Tossing Coronavirus People Overboard!
Published Date: March 11, 2020 Author: Oopsai Scharted
Platty Says "Eh! The virus won't last long as it was made in China!"

White Peacock Tired of Being Called a Goddamn Albino!
Published Date: March 10, 2020 Author: Benjamin Dover
Platty Says "They have no souls or a good sense of humor!"

Childs Life Started with A Big Bang!
Published Date: March 09, 2020 Author: Dawn Keybawls
Platty Says "Ten men and a baby?"

Meatloaf Would Do Anything for A Klondike Bar, But He Won’t Do That!
Published Date: March 08, 2020 Author: Anna Phalaxis
Platty Says "My dad used to roadie for Meatloaf. He called himself a hamburger helper."

Gay Porn Star Asked About His Big Opening!
Published Date: March 07, 2020 Author: Chit Ferbrauns
Platty Says "My new girl friend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out!"

recent news

	Author	Born	Death	Articles
	Amanda Hugenfuk	12/12/62	06/25/19	2
	Anna Phalaxis	06/23/71		24
	Benjamin Dover	11/22/73		29
	Candy Storr	02/26/82	07/25/19	6
	Charles U. Farley	04/18/42	06/18/19	2
	Chit Ferbrauns	04/22/65		12
	Dawn Keybawls	04/26/82		21
	Mike Litorus	08/20/74	10/27/19	15
	Moe Lester	02/04/55		35
	Oopsai Scharted	01/01/00		19
	Platty			24

breaking news

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!
Publish Date: June 19, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #1
Platty Says "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!
Publish Date: June 18, 2019 Author: Charles U. Farley Top Billing Rank: #2
Platty Says "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!
Publish Date: June 20, 2019 Author: Moe Lester Top Billing Rank: #3
Platty Says "It might be good on nachos!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!
Publish Date: June 24, 2019 Author: Amanda Hugenfuk Top Billing Rank: #4
Platty Says "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

The South To Be Penetrated Hard By Storm Richard!
Publish Date: June 21, 2019 Author: Benjamin Dover Top Billing Rank: #5
Platty Says "Looks like the assholes got it in the end!"

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About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.

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