PlatyPress

PlatyPress

breaking news

Neti Pot Challenge! Woman Starts Hot Sauce Rinse!

Top Billing Rank: #1
Publish Date: January 23, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Blood? Hot Sauce? Who can tell?"

Biden Hires Dom Toretto To Locate Lost Vaccinations!

Top Billing Rank: #2
Publish Date: January 22, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Fast, Furious & Fucked Forever!"

No Country for Old Men Temperature Check!

Top Billing Rank: #3
Publish Date: January 26, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?"

Stoner Uses Enbrel On His Joints!

Top Billing Rank: #4
Publish Date: January 24, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "That's a $6000 joint man!"

Woman Cannot Remember Why She Takes Prevagen!

Top Billing Rank: #5
Publish Date: January 17, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "PrevaWho?"

Skeletons Found in Sand Traps at Waste Management Open Golf Tournament!

Top Billing Rank: #6
Publish Date: February 06, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "They didn't manage their waste properly!"

Golfer Had Best Round of Life Until He Lost It On 17!

Top Billing Rank: #7
Publish Date: January 16, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "He was 6 under. Now he's 6 feet under!"

Woman Has to Shit Every Time She Gets Mad!

Top Billing Rank: #8
Publish Date: January 21, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "People who tell you that they are constipated are full of crap!"

recent news

Uncle Ben's Renamed Uncle Cracker's!

Published Date: February 24, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Why did the cracker go to the doctor? He was feeling a little crumby!"

Cuomo Brothers Share Fart During Interview!

Published Date: February 23, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Fart telepathy runs strong with this family!"

Agoraphobic Finally Feels Comfortable in Public!

Published Date: February 22, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Did you here about the parade for agoraphobia? No one showed up!"

All These Damn Streaming Services and Nothing Is On!

Published Date: February 21, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "I'm all chilled and humped out!"

Man’s Just a Fatty, Jizzy, Meat Bag of Emotions!

Published Date: February 20, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Don't forget stanky, sweaty and a piece of shit!"

The Curse of Oak Island Is Watching the Fucking Show!

Published Date: February 19, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "Could it be? A waste of time? YES"

Man, With Concussion Smacked Awake by Paramedics!

Published Date: February 18, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Concussions aren't real! It's all in your head!"

Woman Allows Man to Come Inside!

Published Date: February 17, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "He came inside a few times that afternoon!"

Old Man Praying for Death Given Vaccine!

Published Date: February 16, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "Praying for death? Sounds like a bad Steven Seagal movie!"

Prisoner Treats Himself to Personal Conjugal Visit!

Published Date: February 15, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Did you hear the tampon thief escaped? He pulled some strings!"

Man Drops Another Toilet Bowl Masterpiece!

Published Date: February 14, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "He is a fine ass artist and connoisseur!"

Man, Taint Rips Victims Like Swayze Arrested!

Published Date: February 13, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Taint repair surgery taint no joke!"

Scott Employee Beheaded for Putting TP on Backward!

Published Date: February 12, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Keep life rolling? More like keep the heads a rollin..."

Platty Wants to Bust His Venom Inside of You!

Published Date: February 11, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "That's Right!"

New England is Tired of 12 Inches and Prefers 6!

Published Date: February 10, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "What do you call a mushroom with a 12 inch stalk? A fungi to go out with!"

New Strain Found in Drunken State!

Published Date: February 09, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "That strain looks hammered!"

Woman Orders Tootsie Pop Licking Machine!

Published Date: February 08, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "I wonder how many licks it will take?"

Knee Injury Derails Couple’s Doggy Style!

Published Date: February 07, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "30 minutes of doggy style is the equivalent to 3 dog minutes."

Skeletons Found in Sand Traps at Waste Management Open Golf Tournament!

Published Date: February 06, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "They didn't manage their waste properly!"

Kids Drive Uncredited Bus Driver to Drink!

Published Date: February 05, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man? Hop on!"

LinkedIn Begins Positivity Campaign!

Published Date: February 04, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "That's the same amount of views we have!"

Ballshaft & Ball Attorneys at Law!

Published Date: February 03, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Slapping against the taint of justice since 2007!"

P & R Tired of Q’s Shit!

Published Date: February 02, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "You are not anonymous Q, as P and R know who you are!"

UK vs South Africa Friendly Cricket Matches Touring USA!

Published Date: February 01, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "It's predicted the UK will dominate the South African Team."

Woman Loves to Smoke Sausage!

Published Date: January 31, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "She also smokes a mean kielbasa!"

recent news

	Author	Born	Death	Articles
	Amanda Hugenfuk	12/12/62	06/25/19	2
	Anna Phalaxis	06/23/68		49
	Benjamin Dover	11/22/58		53
	Candy Storr	02/26/72	07/25/19	6
	Charles U. Farley	04/18/42	06/18/19	2
	Chit Ferbrauns	04/22/65		36
	Dawn Keybawls	04/26/72		46
	Mike Litorus	08/20/64		37
	Moe Lester	02/04/55		57
	Ms. Ann Formation	06/14/44		15
	Oopsai Scharted	01/01/00		42
	Platty			42

All Time News

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says: "They are Wicked Pissa!"

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says: "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Publish Date: May 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says: "Please Don't!"

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says: "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

Melania Confirms Presidential Load Lumpy Oily Cheese Sauce!

Publish Date: June 20, 2019
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says: "It might be good on nachos!"

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.