Entertaining You On The Shitter Since 2019!

PlatyPress
PlatyPress

breaking news

Ore-Ida Releases Just Crack Breakfast Kit!

Top Billing Rank: #1
Publish Date: May 10, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "My crack is so white the police let it go with just a warning."

 

Golfer Feels Sexy Holding His Follow Through!

Top Billing Rank: #2
Publish Date: May 09, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Golf is a five-mile walk punctuated with many disappointments."

 

Doctors Confirm Covid-19 Not Transferable Ass to Mouth!

Top Billing Rank: #3
Publish Date: May 12, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "Sometimes, it is okay!"

 

Man’s Johnson Grows After Johnson & Johnson Vaccine!

Top Billing Rank: #4
Publish Date: May 11, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "They can't even fit the logo due to his johnson!"

 

Woman Orders Tootsie Pop Licking Machine!

Top Billing Rank: #5
Publish Date: May 10, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "I wonder how many licks it will take?"

 

Wife Misses Husband’s Hate Fucking Since He Started Therapy!

Top Billing Rank: #6
Publish Date: May 13, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "She always knew how to piss him off which eventually got her off."

 

Grandma Believes Grandson is a Giant!

Top Billing Rank: #7
Publish Date: May 13, 2021
Author: Candy Storr

Platty Says: "I got a sewing kit and it is sew fun!"

 

Hospital Installs Chute to Outdoor Freezer!

Top Billing Rank: #8
Publish Date: May 14, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "Wow! Our new designer has excellent Photoshop skills!"

 

recent news

Gay Porn Star Asked About His Big Opening!

Published Date: June 18, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "My new girl friend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out!"

 

Hero Reminds Survivor That They’ll Still Die Someday!

Published Date: June 17, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "You're going to die, just not today!"

 

TLC Creating Scary Terminator Fembot Dodgeball Players!

Published Date: June 17, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Larissa is now the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball."

 

IT Tech Working at Home Still Required to Wear Company Swag!

Published Date: June 16, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

 

Asshole Went To Kay Instead of Jared!

Published Date: June 16, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted

Platty Says: "I lost my mood ring and I don't know how I feel about that."

 

Perineum Sunning Cures Covid-19!

Published Date: June 15, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "Man dad always called it a taint! It taint yo balls and it taint yo ass!"

 

Woman Hoping the Next iPhone Is A Pleasure Model!

Published Date: June 15, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone? Don't worry they will let you know."

 

PlattyPress.com is 2!

Published Date: June 14, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "We made it! Into deep debt!"

 

Scott Employee Beheaded for Putting TP on Backward!

Published Date: June 14, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "Keep life rolling? More like keep the heads a rollin..."

 

Prostitutes Offer $3.14 Pie for Pi Day!

Published Date: June 14, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "That's better than their $5 box special!"

 

Satire Writer Never Taken Seriously!

Published Date: June 13, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "W.T.F. is satire? This is a respectable news outlet."

 

Wife Is Awaiting In and Out; Husband Has Been Waiting Months!

Published Date: June 13, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "She could take on a 3x3 easily...The husband could take in a 4x4!"

 

Woman Allows Man to Come Inside!

Published Date: June 12, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "He came inside a few times that afternoon!"

 

Coke Reintroduces the Original Formula!

Published Date: June 12, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "They don't lie, they don't lie, they don't lie, cocaine!"

 

Platty Wants to Bust His Venom Inside of You!

Published Date: June 11, 2021
Author: Platty

Platty Says: "That's Right!"

 

Man Has Fond Memories Pounding Out A Few With His Pound Puppy!

Published Date: June 11, 2021
Author: Chit Ferbrauns

Platty Says: "The Pound Puppy helped pound your puppy?"

 

Stoner Uses Enbrel On His Joints!

Published Date: June 10, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "That's a $6000 joint man!"

 

Man, Never Sees Wife After Bidet with Feminine Wash Installed!

Published Date: June 10, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Why is this water fountain so low to the ground?"

 

Why the Fuck Was Frasier Crane in Expandables 3?

Published Date: June 09, 2021
Author: Ms. Ann Formation

Platty Says: "Was Niles Crane unavailable?"

 

Lame Stoner Drools into Bong Again!

Published Date: June 09, 2021
Author: Dawn Keybawls

Platty Says: "Being a stoner is better as 4:20 is earlier than 5 o'clock!"

 

All White Oreos is What America Needs!

Published Date: June 08, 2021
Author: Moe Lester

Platty Says: "Soon, everything will be all white again!"

 

New Strain Found in Drunken State!

Published Date: June 08, 2021
Author: Benjamin Dover

Platty Says: "That strain looks hammered!"

 

Virgin Trees Not Willing to Give It Up to Become Toilet Paper for Your Ass!

Published Date: June 07, 2021
Author: Mike Litorus

Platty Says: "Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack!"

 

Man Jokes about Being Unattractive and Others Automatically Agree!

Published Date: June 07, 2021
Author: Anna Phalaxis

Platty Says: "Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose."

 

Demon Pussy Wants to Swallow Your Soul!

Published Date: June 06, 2021
Author: Candy Storr

Platty Says: "That's one hairy scary pussy!"

 

recent news

Author Born Death Articles
Amanda Hugenfuk 12/12/62 06/25/19 2
Anna Phalaxis 06/23/68 51
Benjamin Dover 11/22/58 55
Candy Storr 02/26/72 07/25/19 6
Charles U. Farley 04/18/42 06/18/19 2
Chit Ferbrauns 04/22/65 40
Dawn Keybawls 04/26/72 50
Mike Litorus 08/20/64 41
Moe Lester 02/04/55 60
Ms. Ann Formation 06/14/44 18
Oopsai Scharted 01/01/00 46
Platty 47

All Time News

Otter Pops Introduces New Urine Otter Pops!

Publish Date: June 19, 2019
Author: Benjamin Dover
Top Billing Rank: #1

Platty Says: "They are Wicked Pissa!"

 

Another Publishers Clearing House Winner Found Dead!

Publish Date: June 18, 2019
Author: Charles U. Farley
Top Billing Rank: #2

Platty Says: "They do say you only win for life. Read the fine print!"

 

President Trump Wants to Show You His 'OH' Face!

Publish Date: May 29, 2020
Author: Moe Lester
Top Billing Rank: #3

Platty Says: "Please Don't!"

 

Man Quarantines Himself with A Case of Coronavirus!

Publish Date: April 18, 2021
Author: Oopsai Scharted
Top Billing Rank: #4

Platty Says: "I've got a fever and cowbell will not cure it!"

 

My Pillow Review: Never Wake Up Again!

Publish Date: June 24, 2019
Author: Amanda Hugenfuk
Top Billing Rank: #5

Platty Says: "I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, I woke up with my pillow missing!"

 
 

About Platty

He is tired of your fake news bullshit and wants to bring the real news to the people.

He is the founder of a new consortium called the NeoDemoRepublicLiberTeaConserveAsshole Party.

He brings the news that you don't want at any cost.